So after getting so close to "Reality TV stardom" so many times, I've gotten in touch with how I feel when I get cut, and what that reflects about my character. I've never been attracted to "fame and fortune" in the traditional sense. If I wanted fame, I wouldn't wear a mask and call myself the Darkwinner. (Paparazzi are annoying. Yes, I know that my alter ego wouldn't protect me if I got really famous, but the fame would be "the downside." If I wanted fortune, I could more realistically earn it by being a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills. (I am smart and artistic and good with people, so I could definitely be "in demand." It's just that I wouldn't feel particularly fulfilled giving boob jobs for the rest of my life.)
So why do I feel so disappointed when the stardom thing doesn't work out? It's because I want a different connotation of "fame and fortune." The fame I want is the ability to have an impact on people's lives. Instead of fixing 100 elbows in a day, I could be making millions of people smile. And the fortune I want isn't monetary. (I'm smart enough to know that owning golden toilet seats doesn't make people happy.) It's the opportunity to have the resources to fully actualize my creative plans. (I've always been limited by cheap equipment, and not so reliable collaborators.)
Next year, I'll be 29, too old for Idol, and as an M3, I won't have time to pursue wacky adventures. After 15 years of creative aspirations getting shut down (not my fault - it's because other people suck) I finally get a REAL shot at fame and fortune at callbacks for Idol in Omaha, with genuine interest from the Executive Producers, and I wasn't experienced enough with my limitations to aim a little lower. (I'm not disappointed that when I didn't know what would happen I tried to give a 100% actual performance, I am disappointed that I didn't have the experience to realize that I didn't know it was impossible to give an actual 100% performance after 2 hours rehearsal, and the "most entertaining" performance I could have done was a 100% rehearsal rendition.)
So it sucks that my last (and only) real chance at achieving fame and fortune died because I wasn't experienced enough. But I can't help but think it's not over yet.