Read about the plan.
Read about my Season 6 audition
So it was my last summer of freedom, the summer before M2 year. I planned to use it to put together the "Almost Passing" Guides, but I didn't have an endgame. I could make the DVDs, and all the effort would be for not, for I had no channel for distribution. So I thought I would make an indie feature, that had a "better than average" chance of getting into festivals. But I couldn't get an actress for the (intentionally) difficult lead role I had written, so by the end of the summer, I hadn't done anything.
It was the last Saturday before M2 started up, and I had no plans. I felt like a road trip.I surfed and found there was an "American Idol" audition 8 hours away in Omaha, NE.
I was 99.99% sure the Darkwinner was banned as a "bait and switcher." But that meant there was a 0.01% chance that Nigel's message was "You sing really well, and we don't want to position Simon/Paula/Randy to have to cut you because of your costume." (In Seattle, maybe the head judge had not whispered "banned for life' but "banned until he auditions without a costume...")
Okay, it was a stretch, but I figured a 0.01% chance is about the same as everyone else had at those auditions.... Also I was going to audition as "Victor Abson" and not the Darkwinner, so the head judge probably wouldn't recognize my unmasked identity. I could find out if I was good enough to make it through first round just based on my singing. (And if I did get the head judge to whisper in my judges ear, I would be 100% sure that I was banned from American Idol, whether I was in costume or not.)
I was pretty sure I wasn't going to get through, but I knew I'd have a fun road trip, and it's always fun to audition for these things. If I did get through as Victor, I wasn't sure if I would bother returning for round 2 (I was pretty sure I was banned for life, and couldn't justify skipping a day of school for a 99.9% certain rejection.) But maybe callbacks would be on a Saturday, and I'd go for that 0.01% chance... and it'd be fun to say "Hi!" to Nigel again....
So I show up the day of auditions (it wasn't worth it to me to pay for a hotel) and register. I try to avoid cameras, and not call attention to myself. (I was more curious to discover if I could make it through first round on my voice alone than if I was 100% banned for life.)
Eventually, I'm with 3 other auditionees about to sing before our 2 judges...I'm getting weird looks from behind the table. They were curious - as if they had been told to look for the Asian guy in the white hat. (I can't really explain it, other than my Darkwinner-ian sense )
So I sing "Grapevine" for my judges, and I get a stronger sense of "We were warned that we should put you through no matter what you sing, and now that we're hearing you sing, we can understand why." But they ask me for a second song, so I sing "Roll into me" My version is an AABA arrangement, 2 verses, chorus, last verse. They cut me off after a second verse (Normally you get a verse and chorus, I guess they didn't notice I hadn't sung a chorus yet...)
They put me through.
This hadn't gone according to plan. (For one thing, I was intentionally trying NOT to be noticed...) So in the winner's room, I tell a producer that I was probably "banned for life" and if so, just let me know and I won't waste everyone's time on round 2. (It turns out I call backs were on a Tuesday, so I'd have to skip school...) She tells me she hadn't heard anything about that, but they'd call me if I was banned for life.
So I sign the paperwork etc, and on the drive home I start mulling over what happened.
So I'm driving home and I analyze the judges reactions. (Long drive homes are good for that.)
It was enough to get me curious (as I am wont to do.) I didn't want to skip Round 2 if I wasn't banned for life. How to find out? Audition in another city.
I got home and found out there was a Charleston, South Carolina audition the first weekend after med school starts. After school got out, I'd drive 15 hours to Charleston. Wearing my white hat again, I'd find out if the head judge whispers to my South Carolina judge (meaning, I am banned for life, they just didn't recognize me in Omaha.) Or if I get weird looks from the judges a second time, and get through, it would mean they know who I am, and they definitely want me to sing serious. Also it would be good if I got through in South Carolina to have a second audition "in the bag" in case something went bad at Omaha callbacks, I'd have a backup plan/rematch. (Sort of like how after Birmingham, I flew to Seattle.)
When I get to South Carolina, I am exhausted. Med school + 15 hour drive = no sleep before auditions. Then it's another 8 hours before it's my turn before with 3 other auditionees before the Round 1 judge, so I'm going a day and a half without sleep.
Since I was amongst the last to register, I am also the last in line for the day. We get shuffled around to the shortest line, and I end up in front of Bearded Judge 1. The head judge does not come to whisper in any judges ear that I ended up in line for.
My turn for Grapevine...and I flub the octave jump. It's never happened to me (ever) before. I recover and keep going. I don't really know if I sang sharp, or with too much pressure. (It's a Darkwinner-ian performance thing.)
After we've all gone, Bearded Judge 1 says to me, "Did I judge you last year?"
I say, "Possibly." (I'm trying to remember what my judge in Seattle looked like... I think he had a beard.... And according to my webpage, it was definitely a "he.")
Bearded Judge 1 says, "What cities did you audition in?"
"You're not my judge from Birmingham," I say, "You might be my judge from Seattle.
He says, "Yes, I think I judged in Seattle last year." He says to the four of us , "You're not what we're looking for this season."
So another long drive home, and I'm trying to figure out what happened. (Yes, that's a recurring theme in my epic.) I drove 15 hours to get some answers, and things didn't work out. (Another recurring theme.) What are the odds that I'd get the same judge? And how they heck does he remember me after a year and 10,000 contestants. (He saw my face for like 30 seconds, while I sang grapevine, then I put on the mask and sang my silly piece for 2 minutes. He didn't remember my silly piece (which is memorable) or my costume, or even my face (which he barely saw.) He must have remembered my voice and the half chorus of grapevine I sang a year ago, which means A) I do have a "special" voice, and B) Bearded Judge 1 has an amazing memory.
Initially I thought:
1. I was banned for life 2. They wanted me to be completely serious
And going to Omaha didn't really provide a satisfactory answer. So I went to South Carolina.
The bad news is: I still hadn't learned anything. The head judge didn't whisper in the judges ears that I was supposed to sing for, suggesting that I wasn't banned for life. On the other hand, I definitely didn't get the impression that all the judges were told to look out for me. Also, Bearded Judge 1 was (probably) told in Seattle "Zorro is banned for life" not "Zorro is banned, but if he's not in costume, he can go through." But yet I got through in Omaha (where the judges may have known I was coming). At Omaha, they definitely knew Asian guy white hat said he was banned for life, and yet here he is again in South Carolina, but they didn't whisper in judges ear, or tell Bearded Judge 1 to let me through. Why was I treated differently in Omaha versus Charleston?
The answer I came up with: There must be a different head judge for different cities. And, the head judge in Omaha 2007 must be the same head judge from Birmingham 2006 (who remembered me in Chicago 2006 . This makes sense, NBC would hire the best/experienced from Idol, but he'd still be Head Judging for Idol the next year.). And if Bearded Judge 1 remembered me after a year, Head Judge Birmingham (I'll call him Head Judge B) must have put me through in Omaha because he felt guilty for setting me up to get shredded in Birmingham AND Chicago.
So now I had three hypothesises thought
1. I was banned for life
2. They wanted me to be completely serious
3. They realized they made a mistake in Birmingham,
and maybe The Darkwinner could audition again mixed silly/serious
The pieces fit Hypothesis 3. Head Judge in Seattle (Head Judge S) wouldn't know the whole story, so would have gone along with Nigel banning me for life. And Head Judge B didn't tell Head Judge in Charleston (Head Judge C) that Head Judge B wanted me to get through to the second round. Head Judge C had never heard of the Darkwinner before, so sent no special instructions to the judges, and when Bearded Judge 1 remembered me from Seattle, he was just acting on his own initiative assuming I was still banned for life, because he didn't know the whole story.
Assuming Head Judge B was on my side in Omaha, was it worth it to skip school for Round 2 in Omaha? Yes. Because instead of the 0.01% chance that I wasn't banned for life (and doing a serious audition), there was a 20%(?) chance that Head Judge B might convince Nigel to "un-ban" me, because it SO was not my fault.
If I did get un-banned, it might mean that I could audition as the Darkwinner again, which meant that instead of just being "another guy in the crowd" I could definitely stand out, try to convince Simon/Paula/Randy to overlook the surface silliness. Even if I just get made fun of, I would get the exposure for the DVD.
So I'd do Round 2 in Omaha. I would bring my Darkwinner outfit in the car. Hopefully, if things went like they did in Birmingham, I would see Head Judge B and Ken in Round 2A, and I could request of Ken (an Exec Producer) if I could audition as the Darkwinner for Nigel in Round 2B (which I suspect the producers would find to be more interesting TV anyway.) That way they could get 2 takes of me doing Grapevine in the Darkwinner outfit.
My goals (in order):
1. Win Idol 2. Get exposure for the Darkwinner 3. Meet/Stand up to the 3 famous judges 4. Get some answer if I was 100% banned or not 5. Have a fun adventure/story
I figure that it doesn't really matter how I sound during Round 2. The Exec Producers have already decided if I'm banned for life, or if they want to see what will happen when I go up before Simon/Paula/Randy.
So it turns out there's a pathology Exam the day before Omaha auditions, so I get three hours of sleep, 4 hours of exams, an 8 hour drive to Omaha, leaving 5 hours before I have to get up to shower/prep, eat breakfast and find parking for the big audition. (I knew I was going to have big circles under my eyes on camera, and just look exhausted in general, so I was REALLY hoping I could wear my Darkwinner mask, or if I ended up non-costumed that they'd just use the take from the actual Round 3 audition, instead of intercutting what I do in Round 2.)
I arrive for auditions. I'm wearing the white hat, and NOT the Darkwinner outfit. (Because I learned from Birmingham to stay consistent between Round 1 and Round 2 - ignore Head Judge suggestions, wait for an Exec Producer to witness that it was okay to change something.) I'm also consistent with my attitude: in Round 1 I was serious/boring (I was trying to avoid cameras/attention because I wanted to see if I was good enough to make it based on my voice, not because they recognized me from wherever), so I decide to be serious/boring for Round 2. (I figure they already know I can be silly and have fun on camera when I'm the Darkwinner.)
At the start of the audition, Ken welcomes the room, and gives us the song to learn "Stuck in the middle with you." (I heard it once during Reservoir Dogs during the "cut off the ear" scene.) I have 6 hours to prep the piece. He tells the room that he wants people who don't stop and say "I messed up, let me start again." Because you just can't do that during a live show on American Idol." He wants people to keep going even if they start singing "I have no idea what I'm singing, la la la." (I consider intentionally forgetting the lyrics just to show him that I can do that, but I disregard that plan. The audition has too many headaches going on for me to throw in another joke. Looking back, I hope I didn't jinx/subconscious sabotogue myself. To make a long story short: I prepped the piece in 6 hours, but I didn't get it "automatic" so when I tried to instinctually perform it, it really sucked. Here are more details.
I'm expecting to see Head Judge B and Ken in Round 2A. (That's what happened in Birmingham.) When I see them, I'll ask if I should bother singing (ie if I'm banned for life), or if I can change into my Darkwinner outfit that I brought with me in the car, so if you want to get 2 takes of that on camera..... Yeah, so I'm planning to see familiar faces. Instead, I just see 3 unfamiliar producer types. I sing most of the verse of Grapevine, and I'm told I'm going to the next round. (Again, I get the feeling when connecting with them that they were told to put me through no matter what, and listening to me sing, they could understand why...)
So now it's Round 2B. I'm expecting to see Nigel again, and I figure I'll just ask him the same thing. Instead it's Ken, a cameraman, a producer, and the PA (who hands you the Golden Ticket.)
Upon entering, I have the following dialogue with Ken
Ken: It says here that Nigel banned you for life. Me: Uhh, something like that. Ken: Did Nigel actually tell you that you were banned for life? Me: Nigel was just "excessively mean" and that meant either I was banned for life and shouldn't wast my time auditioning in other cities, or that he didn't like me at all being silly, and should audition serious.
That last remark reads more fluent than delivered during the audition. I was exhausted from studying, taking the exam, driving and prepping the "Stuck in the middle with you." Also, I was mask-less, and trying to be as serious/boring as I could be. Heck, I even had my hands in my pockets! Without Head Judge B or Nigel (who knew my story) I figured I'd be best served by staying consistent with what I did in Round 1.
So I sing "Grapevine" and despite being exhausted, I do it okay. (My voice didn't implode on the octave jump, like in South Carolina. Ken was as impossible to read as Nigel, but I was connecting with the [skeleton] crew that was in the room.)
Ken asks me to sing "Stuck in the Middle with you.
I start out okay, but then things go wonky. I'm not sure what happened, I was just trying to connect with the audience, and things were fine, and then I noticed that things didn't feel right, as if my pitches were a few cents off, then I lost the melody, then started making up words and finished in an entirely different (major) key than I had ever sung before.
Ken ended my audition by saying "You didn't sing very good."
There is some more silliness,
So after I leave, I see a producer from Round 1 Winner's Room, who I had told I might be banned for life, and she said Idol would call me so I wouldn't end up wasting everyone's time. I say, "You could have told me that I was banned for life, so I wouldn't have wasted my time driving here."
(At the time, I figured that the decision had already been made if they want to take the trouble of putting me through or not. Also, if I got cut because I forgot the lyrics, Ken would have just said so. Ken had also said that he wants people who keep going when they forget their lyrics, as I had done exactly...)
She says, "I don't remember you." When we first made eye contact, I could tell she remembered me, and when she said she didn't remember me, she was a REALLY bad liar.
I also see Bearded Judge 1 from Charleston (and evidently) from Seattle. I ask him, "You're my judge from Seattle, right?" He says "I remember your face..." I say, "This is the third time I've seen you, what did the head judge whisper in your ear about me in Seattle?" He says, "You mean, Larry? Fred? George?" It's Patrick (the announcer who explains that Idol judges don't shake hands anymore because he once got pink eye.) Eventually Patrick intervenes and says, "You mean me?" I say, "Yes. What did you whisper in his ear about me in Seattle?" Head Judge "Oh I whisper in people's ears all the time, I don't remember you...."
The reason for this conversation was because I wanted to know 100% if I was banned for life (like I thought at the time.) Bearded Judge 1 and Patrick seemed to enjoy "knowing more than me" and playing dumb to frustrate me. (Which was fine, because by "playing dumb" they dropped enough clues for me to figure out 6 things, 3 of which I will reveal here.)
Yes, I'm figuring stuff out. The first is that there must have been a MASSIVE producer conspiracy. Three people who obviously remember me (What, Bearded Judge 1 remembers my 12 months later, but 13 months is too long?) were all told that the company line was "We don't remember you."
Which gets me to thinking that Ken was lying when he feigned that he didn't remember me either. (I can't seem to read/connect with Ken or Nigel, they're like this black hole in the room when I'm performing.) When he asked me if I was banned for life, it wasn't because he didn't know. (If he didn't remember, he would have just asked Nigel for the explanation.) At the time, I thought if Ken didn't remember, it would be a long (so far it's probably been 20 pages) epic to explain the Darkwinner story, and ask if I could change into costume. But I think Ken asked me the question as a hint (sort of like Nigel asking me if I was going to sing a "silly song") that I missed completely. So I could have talked more about the Darkwinner, if I just stopped worrying about talking in "sound bites" in front of the camera....
I also think Nigel was "hiding" from me. Maybe his brother was getting married or something, but generally they schedule these auditions around key personnel (like EP) availability. Nigel (and probably Head Judge B) where avoiding me, because there was no way they could claim not to remember me.
So why the conspiracy? I think it's because Idol wanted to give me a real chance. It took unprecedented effort on their part, but they knew I could sing well, and had a fun personality. They just wanted to see if I could sing a song with limited prep .
In Birmingham and Chicago, I left thinking I screwed up, but eventually figured out there was a conspiracy. In Omaha, I left thinking I was banned for life, but eventually figured out that I had really screwed up.
On the other hand, yes I forgot lyrics, but they have to know that, musically, I'm good enough for Idol. (Everyone fails the first time they try something, it's more important that you learn and don't make the same mistake.) Just my voice alone is better than some top 10s. (Like rhymes with "Run from Maya.") And the Darkwinner persona/story could captivate America more than another "girl next door" persona/story. And besides, Chris Sligh didn't learn the Elvis song in Memphis, didn't learn "The Best" in Birmingham, but made it to Hollywood and the top 10. Okay, that's enough comparative whining ;) Seriously though, if I got a song in the morning, and had to sing it by the afternoon, I could do it (especially if they gave me sheet music with the melody so I wouldn't spend 2/3 of my time doing that instead of getting it "automatic.")
I mean if the producers cared enough about my audition to initiate the effort for that massive conspiracy, America would probably care enough about me to call in and vote. And if my voice and antics are memorable one year (and 10,000) contestants later, I've got the star power to be the next Elvis/Michael Jackson.
I do wish that the producers had just been honest with me. (I must have set some sort of record for the number of producers involved and lies told to a contestant.) I'm not mad at being manipulated (that's part of the fun.) It's just that if I had seen Nigel or Head Judge B (or if Ken admitted he knew my story), I would have had more fun (dropping the serious/boring act) and they would get 5 minutes of fun TV [I suspect most Omaha auditionees are considerably less interesting than I) and I'd get my exposure. Heck, it'd even be fun to audition for Simon if they don't show my audition, I'd complete my hat trick and have a fun story, and they could "adapt" my experience for other contestants/situations (for like 20% of the entertainment value of my performance.)
I think that Idol did their best by me. Yes, their manipulations cost me Birmingham, Seattle, Chicago and South Carolina. But they gave me a shot in Omaha, when it would have been so much more convenient to just keep me "banned for life." (I was 80% sure that Head Judge B wouldn't be able to convince the Execs to give me a shot b/c of my long/complex backstory with Idol auditions...) So in a way, the MASSIVE consipiracy was their way of acknowledging that they screwed up in Birmingham, and were willing to put in all that effort to make sure everyone gets a real shot.
But I do also wish that I had a second chance from South Carolina. (Maybe Nigel will call and say "I was quite cross with Ken for cutting you in Omaha, and would like the Darkwinner to do a Round 2 audition in South Carolina for me." Or they'd say "Nigel says that he remembers you and would like you to advance to Round 3 in Omaha.) If I had another chance, I'd drop everything to take it (especially if I could so as the Darkwinner, silly or serious.)
But this is probably the end of my creative aspirations for the near future. And yes, I'm feeling dissapointed . It sucks that my creative aspirations end with me not being experienced with my limitations, but hey, it's time to grow up. Still a part of me that thinks it's not over yet.